The NFL season is just around the corner and if you’re an NFL analyst, there’s no time like the present to begin pandering your hot takes. The problem: how do you get a head start on the sports news cycle? The answer: it’s simple. Take a cue from our friends at CSN Philly and use some of these simple steps for writing a piece that makes people stop and say “wow, this is some great stuff.”
- Quit your job as an analyst and become a TV pundit – You know more than those guys anyway and their contracts aren’t going to last forever.
- Pick a side and defend it with the fire of 1000 suns – The more outrageous the better. For example, if you’re in favor of NFL players standing for the anthem, call anyone who isn’t a bad person.
- Get a good reaction quote from a player, coach, or GM – It doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or in jest, you’ve got to grab the reader early. For example: “I think they should all be executed,” said Todd Fuhrman when asked about players kneeling during the anthem.
- Make up your stats – It doesn’t need to add up, nobody is fact-checking this stuff anyway. Be bold and call Atlanta’s offense one of the best in NFL history, it’s our little secret.
- Make up your own rules – Find something that wasn’t called on Sunday and say it should’ve been a penalty every time. For example, if you’re writing about Julio Jones, say he should have been flagged every time. Just trust me on this one.
- If you’re writing about the Falcons – start your article with a mention of Super Bowl LI – It’s like magic! People will be hypnotized by the mere mention of that game.
- Make sure to mention Bob Sutton in your article – We at FOX understand how valuable he is to the Chief’s success so let’s make sure everyone else does too! Don’t have anything specific to say about Sutton? Make something up.
- Read your piece out loud – See if you sound smart while saying it. If you do, then you’re on the right track.
- If you’re having a hard time getting a good hatemail – look on the internet for someone who shares your view and write that into your article as an anonymous source.
- Make sure to mention that Al Michaels said – this was going to be the most competitive Super Bowl ever at some point – People love hearing familiar names talk about football. Throw it in there, it’ll never hurt (except that one time).
- Mention how many quarterbacks are better than Matt Ryan – We’ve all seen the stats and we know he isn’t very good anymore!
- Don’t Be Afraid of Success – This is not a joke! If you’re successful then your success is the juice of your hard work. Just trust us on this one focusing on success means a lot.
- Anger is key – There’s nothing that gets people to click an article more than “angry” words! For example, “I’m so angry at what you wrote that I’m going to rant about it on my podcast for 45 minutes.”
- The national anthem – Make sure to bring up the anthem in your article, it’s pretty much magic when you do. For example, “It’s just disrespectful to kneel during the anthem” or “I’d like to see all our players stand for the national anthem.”
- Weasel words – Make sure to sprinkle them in there, no one knows what they mean but it sounds smart! Here’s an example: “At this point, Ryan is better than Ryan Leaf” or “a player of Ryan’s caliber doesn’t deserve the treatment he’s getting.”
Now that you have some advice on how to write a solid article, get out there and impress us with your work! Don’t forget that if you get picked up by Bleacher Report or Yahoo Sports we might just toss a few extra bucks your way.