Even if you do not like your partner as a person, your relationship has a chance to continue.
In romantic comedies, you’ve probably seen more than once how the characters overcome all the obstacles to happiness and stay together to the touching music of the credits. The reason is simple – they love each other. You too can find love on Eden Christian site, click this over here now
Unfortunately, real life is much harsher: sometimes even the strongest feelings are not enough to keep a relationship alive. What’s more, love can cloud common sense. Scientists have found that even when we look at a photo of a loved one, we produce the hormone dopamine, an element of the “reward system” of the brain, which makes us feel better. In such a state of euphoria, logical arguments are the last thing we listen to.
A couple goes through several quite natural crises in its development, for example, related to moving, illness, birth, and growing up of children. At first, when partners are enchanted and in love, the relationship curve goes up. As they live together, mistakes accumulate and the relationship plateaus – the couple finds themselves at a point of choice: to reconsider roles, find a joint way to solve problems, zero in on resentments, or leave everything as it is.
In the first case, there is a stage of new acquaintance – the partners are together, but the quality of their relationship changes. There is more understanding, care, and attention to each other – and the curve goes up again. In the second, the stage of destruction begins. Claims pile up, nothing changes, and a critical mass of resentment leads to a breakup.
Unmet needs, disapproval of family and friends, long work on the relationship – all of these and other signs relationship coaches consider a good reason to break up. However, these same signs can also mean something else entirely – that feelings can and should be worked on. Together with a family psychologist, and psychotherapist Julia Hill, we broke down seven of these ambiguous signs.
Your needs are not being met
We all have our ideas of the ideal relationship. For some in the first place emotionality – for example, they want to spend more time together. For others, on the contrary, it is important functionality: they would prefer, say, that the partner took over the financial component of life together.
We always enter into relationships to satisfy our need for affection: security, closeness, care, support, and recognition. We want to be meaningful, needed, and loved. That’s why we look for a partner, there’s no other reason. By the way, if you are looking for your life partner christian dating site for marriage will help you with it.
When you feel that the person you love is oblivious to your needs, it’s worth talking about it. If your partner is not willing to go along, it may be time for you to go your way.
People often stay in unhappy relationships where their needs are unmet because society condemns loneliness. You may feel that you will never find anyone better than your current partner. Don’t listen to that inner voice. Yes, it takes time to meet the right person, but you deserve to be truly happy.
You’re trying to get what your partner won’t give you from friends and acquaintances
Think about who you tell first about a promotion at work or a family crisis: your partner or someone else. You can still have close friends and acquaintances. However, if you notice that you are more likely to share your worries with friends and coworkers, it could mean that you are not getting the support you need from your loved one.
The question is how we are used to asking for support and how we present it. If a wife asks her husband, “How do you like my new sweater?” he nods approvingly, and she would like him to say: “You’re beautiful, honey! The sweater is very stylish, how grateful I am to the universe that I met you” – of course, she would not feel supported by her husband.
A relationship is always a dialogue between two interested parties. Not only do I expect something from you, but I help you understand exactly what I expect and at what moments, and if you can’t support just that, I hear you and understand.
But if you feel like you’re endlessly knocking on a closed door that won’t open in any way, there are two ways to go – couple therapy or break up.
You are afraid to ask your partner for more
Open conversations are critical because open communication is the basis for a long and healthy union. Relationship coaches point out that keeping silent about your wants and needs destroys the relationship rather than preserving it.
In a close, trusting relationship, there should be no discomfort in discussing personal needs. I talk about myself, I open up, and I know you won’t hurt me in return.
If we always find it difficult to talk about our needs – in the family or at work – this is a signal that at such times we are hitting some “sore spot,” perhaps a feeling of insecurity, of unworthiness. We need to think about whether we have had difficulty talking about ourselves before, to ask, or whether it is in this relationship that this particular character has emerged.
If this has always been the case, it is worth paying attention to personal boundaries and determining how often you act against your best interests. If this happens only in your relationship and you want to keep it, it may be worth seeing a specialist together with your partner. The other option is to break up.
Family and friends against your relationship
Observations from family and friends are worth listening to, but they shouldn’t be the deciding factor in your personal life. Some relationship coaches believe that if you’re trying to insulate yourself from your loved ones’ opinions that you’re not a couple, they may be right.
It’s wonderful to have such caring, concerned loved ones. But an adult, psychologically mature person is different in that he or she is the author of his or her own life, makes decisions, and bears responsibility for them, including their negative consequences.
You feel you have an obligation to keep the relationship alive
A 2016 study published in the journal Current Psychology found that people are more likely to be willing to stay in a relationship for which they have already spent effort and time.
This is similar to the “incurred expense” effect, widely known in the investment field. Its essence is that investing in a certain product leads to subsequent investments, even if you no longer like the project. You’ve already spent money on it, so it’s a shame to throw it all away for nothing.
Many stay with an affiliate, hoping to get a real “return” on the “investment” already made. But months and years spent in the relationship don’t solve the problem. If despite your best efforts, nothing changes, perhaps you should stop wasting time.
In psychotherapy, there is decision-making work. One technique is to imagine in great detail how your life will go on if you stay with this partner and if you leave.
Makeup as much detail as possible: “Here I am getting up in the morning, going out to the kitchen, there are dirty dishes, and she’s sitting there hurt, but incredibly nice. I am in a bad mood, but I try not to show his face. Such a technique helps you figure out if you’re ready to stay and how much you’ve had enough, or discover the significant advantages of the current relationship despite the disadvantages.
You’ve been working on the relationship for more than a year.
When two people love each other, the desire to make their union better is completely natural. Sometimes this work takes longer than we think. Sometimes relationship coaches advise seeing a psychologist but give yourself a time limit of one year.
I’m reminded of an old anecdote: “Honey, guess what we’ve been taking for an orgasm all our lives turns out to be asthma.” This is the question of how each partner sees the work of the relationship, how much that vision coincides, and whether, as time goes on, new circumstances emerge that the spouses face.
Family therapy can take a year or more if the couple is complicated. For independent work, such a time frame seems overly optimistic.
You don’t like your partner as a person
Yes, yes, it sounds strange and illogical, but falling in love with someone you don’t like is quite possible. In this case, the relationship may work out well in normal times, but such an alliance risks not surviving the hard times.
If I enter into a relationship with a partner knowing in advance that I do not like him, there is likely some need I have for affection behind it, such as safety or care. And as long as the partner satisfies this need, the relationship can continue and be happy.